yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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