so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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