If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
