Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
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Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.