its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
