What did we do last night that was yellow?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
