I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
