my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
