Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Text me some of your sweat
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
