my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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