I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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