Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
