I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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