I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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