I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
