I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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