I seem to have left my pride at pride
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
