WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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