It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
