My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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