My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
