thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
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