there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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