Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
