I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
