Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
