the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?