I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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