I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
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I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
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My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.