I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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