If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
