birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
