before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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