so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
