I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
