Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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