Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
