you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
