How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
