No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
