My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
