My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it was like eating out sand paper
I just gift wrapped bread.
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she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
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You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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