I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
