in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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