he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All I want is dick and wine.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
