Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
