If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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