theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
