I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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