The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
