Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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