I wish my penis had an off switch
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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