I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
