marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
