You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
