I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
