I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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