just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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