weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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