Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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