I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
